Austin Powers 4 Thunderballs
by GrayJackRabbit
Summary: Dr. Evil and his henchmen are forced to take up community service and work at their (unknown to the goverment) evil Starbucks corporation for free. Although, is someone going to try to take over the world anyways?
1. Chapter 1: The Starbucks Empire

_This story occurrs after the 3rd Austin Powers movie, "Goldmember". Scott is still trying to become evil. Dr. Evil and Austin are still brothers and everything is the same. Ya-da-ya-da-ya-da, you get the idea, just read the damn thing._

Doctor Evil. and Mini Me ride their chairs into view holding their Bigglesworths. The normal party of people sit at the table and Doctor Evil begins to address them.

Dr. Evil: "Ok, ladies and gentlemen, my hand is forced. After countless losses to Austin Powers, not mention the recent news of our common family tree, I will have to start playing it straight. More than likely we will be forced to make income by working at one of the many Starbucks owned by Number 2. Something about havingto work sowe don't go to jail or something."

Frau: "Oh, herr dokter, no more evil plans?"

Dr. Evil: "No, no more plans."

Frau: "No more tractor beams?"

Dr. Evil: "No, no more tractor beams."

Frau: "No more sharks with laser beams on their heads?"

Dr Evil: "Uh...(thinks)...I bet we can keep those. The goverment shouldn't mind that much."

Frau: (with passion) "No more hot, steamy nights in that secret janitors closet?"

Dr. Evil: (looks around the table uncomfortably) "Eh...heh-heh..."

Number Two: "Dr. Evil, thanks to my planning, we now have enough money to success-"

Scott: "Wait." (puts a hand up to Number 2) "Dad, have you been going down on Frau?"

Dr. Evil: "Scott, daddy's sex life does not concern you." (whispers to Frau) "Ix-nay on the go-down-ay!"

Frau: (giggles and puts up a hand showing 4 fingers and mouths "4 times last night" to Scott)

Scott: "You have! You've been going down on Frau!"

Dr. Evil: "Scott, we don't "do" going down around here."

Scott: "You went down."

Dr. Evil: "No, we-"

Scott: "Yawantdawna."

Dr. Evil: "It was a-"

Scott: "Yawendowna."

Dr. Evil: "Wait a minute, this is my-"

Scott: "You. Went. Down. You went down with the german lady."

Dr. Evil: (getting very frustrated) "That-"

Scott: (falsetto voice) "Doctor, we have a patient here, her name is Frau. We need you to perform a "go-down-on-her-escapy"."

Dr. Evil: "Why you little shit! I-"

Scott: "How many licks to the center of a Frau-pop? Ask my dad!"

Number Two: "We really have to get back to the-"

Scott: "I wasn't finished! That's the problem with all of you! You never finish what you start. Well, I'm going to change that."

Number Two: "What do you mean?"

Scott: "I'm going to take over the world" (starts evil laugh) "BWA-HA-HA! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" (but no one laughs with him) "Oh, come on! You laugh for him!" (points at Dr. Evil who looks around the table after being pointed at)

Dr. Evil: "Scott, how will this help daddy's coffee business?"

Scott: "You all just don't get it do you!" (Number Two rifles through papers while Scott talks) "I'm going to rule the world! I'm going to have you all as my slaves! I'm going to have chariots with--"

Number Two: (Number Two hands Scott a paper) "You're going to have night shift janitor duty at our Starbucks on Hill Street."


	2. Chapter 2: Dr Evil's Evil Antics

_This story occurrs after the 3rd Austin Powers movie, "Goldmember". Scott is still trying to become evil. Dr. Evil and Austin are still brothers and everything is the same. Ya-da-ya-da-ya-da, you get the idea, just read the damn thing._

Austin is back at his pad sitting in a bean bag chair watching a 'tittie movie'. He's quite into it, but suddenly the phone rings.

Austin:(jumps a little then realizes it's the phone and picks it up)"Hello?"

Austin's Dad: "What's that noise in the back? Is Tanya over again?"

Austin: "Oh damn!" (turns down the volume of the T.V.) "No, Dad, just a movie."

Austin's Dad: "Oh, that's a shame. Anyways, I'm just calling to see how you're taking everything."

Austin: "I'm fine, Dad, really." (starts watching the movie instead of listening)

Austin's Dad: (begins rambling while Austin is glued to the screen) "It's just that I feel like such a failure for not spending more time with you. I know if your mother would was here, she'dnever have done this to you. She was so nice, she'd go over every day to that orphanage down the street to play with the children there. She'd play games with you for hours. I didn't even play with you a bit."

Austin: (paying no attention but pretending to listen) "Play with her tit. Yeah."

Austin's Dad: "What?"

Austin: (realizes what he just said) "No, No, I mean play with her clit. NO! I mean! Uh...Dad, I have to go. I'm quite busy. Bye." (hangs up the phone and gets back into the movie)

Austin: (the phone rings again) "Hello?"

Austin's Dad: "Ok, son, look, I know I haven't been the best father to you, but could I take you to lunch tomorrow? It's a small step but I want to start."

Austin: "That's very groovy, but, I really have to go." (keeps looking at the movie)

Austin's Dad: "It's just your mother was so kind and-" (Austin hangs up)

Austin: (phone rings again) "GOOD GOD!" (picks it up) "Look, I'm trying to watch a porno right now and I can't pay attention to my meat and two bits with you on the phone! You can try and be my daddy tomorrow!"

Basil: "Um..."

Austin: "Oh, sorry, Basil. Thought you were my Dad. I don't want you to be my daddy."

Basil: "Yes, I understand, Austin."

Austin: "Not that I wouldn't mind you as a father."

Basil: "Shut up, Austin."

Austin: "Okay."

Basil: "Now, I have something important to show you. Go get your laptop."

Austin: (Austin pulls out a laptop from the side of his bean bag) "Got it."

Basil: "I'm sending you the file now. It's the security video of the 10 Diamonds Casino. It seems last night it was broken into and had all of it's money stolen."

Austin: "Oh, that's awful."

Basil: "That's not the worst part, watch the file."

Austin: (Austin clicks a few buttons and a video starts playing)

**VIDEO**:

A open vault is in the background of the video and people can be seen taking gold bricks out in carts. Dr. Evil appears on-screen with Mr.Bigglesworth.

Dr. Evil: Hello casino owners, Austin Powers, weird russian hacker kid who got ahold of this casino's secruity footage. I'm here to let you all know that Dr. Evil is back in business. (puts pinkie up to mouth) (Frau appears on screen and shoots at the camera)

Dr. Evil: Did you get it?

Frau: No, hold on. (reloads gun)

Dr. Evil: Oh! I'm still on! (looks evil again)

Frau: (shoots at camera again but misses) Shit!

Dr. Evil: Again? You can't even hit a fricken camera?

Frau: It's quite high up, herr doktor! (reloads gun)

Dr. Evil: You better frickin hit it this time.

Frau: (starts shootin again but keeps missing) MOTHERFU-(finally hits camera)

Austin: "No, this can't be!"

Basil: "I'm afraid it's true, Austin"

Austin: "He said he was going straight, not doing any more 'evil' business. He was even changing his name to Dr. Not-So-Evil."

Basil: "I guess some people never change."


	3. Chapter 3: Dr Evil Gets Caught

Outside shot of a Starbucks. The inside of the Starbucks is now in view showing a...Starbucks. Frau is at the register, Scott is moping floors and Number 2 is making the orders. The place is very crowded and there is a line at the register.

Frau: "NEXT!"

Man: "I want a double mocha 'express'-o latte, add caramel, hold the mocha."

Frau: "DOUBLE MOCHA 'EXPRESS'-O LATTE, ADD CARAMEL, HOLD THE MOCHA!"

Number 2: (turns around) "Frau, I'm right here. I heard him say it and for the love of god, stop screaming!" (makes the drink and puts it on the counter)

Man: (picks up drink and looks at it) "No, I said without mocha."

Frau: "This is without mocha."

Man: "No it isn't."

Frau: "Oh, it isn't?" (pulls out a gun and shoots him) "NEXT!" (the people in line don't care about the person who was shot and shove him out of the way to get their order)

Dr. Evil: (Dr. Evil walks in from the back area and approaches Frau) "Hey, Frau, I was just sitting back there and I had a thought."

Frau: "Oh?"

Dr. Evil: "Scottie's been working so hard, maybe we should let him take a break so he doesn't need to '_use the janitor's closet anymore_'?"

Frau: "Oh, herr doktor, what a good idea! SCOTT!"

Scott: (Scott puts his mop down and walks over with a squirt bottle in hand) "I'm not cleaning the bathrooms out again! The last time I was cleaning the womens some bitch as big a whale came in and lost about 200lb all over the walls!"

Frau: "No, Scott, your father wants to give you a break."

Scott: "Oh, cool. Like now?"

Frau: "Yes, now. Go."

Scott: "I'll be at the porno store downtown." (throws the squirt bottle and leaves)

Dr. Evil: "Number 2, can you take care of the customers? I belive Frau was just about to go on break."

Number 2: (under his breath) "_I've been doing it all day, why not now?"_

Dr. Evil: "What was that?"

Number 2: "Of course, Doctor Evil."

Dr. Evil: "Carry on." (Doctor Evil and Frau try to avoid being seen sneaking into the janitor's closet but make it painfully obvious where they're going)

Number 2: (sighs and starts taking orders)

Austin Powers, Basil and a group of men with machine guns burst into the Starbucks.

Austin: "All right, where's Doctor Evil?"

Number 2: (points with his hands in the air) "I believe he's hiding in the janitor's closet."

Austin: (Austin walks over to the janitor's closet and opens the door) "BLIMEY!"

Dr. Evil: (from inside the closet) "Oh, shit!"

Austin: "Hey, how are you doing that, man?"

Dr. Evil: (still inside the closet)"Well, I take pilates from time to time."

Austin: "Oh, right, right. You know I thought about trying it sometime."

Dr. Evil: "You should, the Full Lotus-Sun Goddess Back Clench is simply breathtaking."

Austin: (stops) "Wait a tick". (gets offensive again) "Why did you break into the 10 Diamonds Casino?"

Dr. Evil: (still inside the closet) "10 Dildo What?"

Austin Powers: "The casino you robbed, man!"

Dr. Evil: "I didn't rob any frickin casino. If I did, do you think I'd be in the janitor's closet boning Frau?"

Frau: "Hey!"

Austin Powers: "That's Frau? I couldn't see herface, wait, is that an arm? OH MY GOD! Is that her leg! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, MAN!"

Dr. Evil: "Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Basil: "Austin, do you think it might be better if we take them to headquarters for this?"

Austin: "Right, right, out you go, you sick bastards are going downtown!"

Basil: "Actually, our headquarters isn't downtown."

Austin: "Um, well. (angry again) You sick bastards are going uptown!"

Basil: "Actually, it's across the street, Austin."

Austin: "You could have told me this first, Basil. All right, you sick bastards are going across the street!"


	4. Chapter 4: Austin Takes Command

Dr. Evil, Frau and Number 2 sit in a small cell him by the door.The room is about eight feet wide and eight feet long making it rather crammed for everyone. Draped windows are on every side of the room.

Austin: "All right, now why did you rob the casino"

Dr. Evil: "I told you, I didn't rob any casino."

Frau: "Yah, that's true."

Austin: "We have security footage from the casino showing you rob it!"

Two guards and Basil bring Scott into sit down with the others. The room is so packed, he has to climb over the table to his seat and has a VERY hard time getting in.

Guard: "Finding him wasn't easy, the only reason we got his location is because he was trying to make out of an adult video store with some unpurchased goods." (Scott gives the guard a bad look)

Basil: "We still have to find Mini me and bring him in. By the way, Austin, couldn't you let someone else interrogate a few of them? Or perhaps interrogate them one at a time?"

Austin: (stops and gets a wide-eyed look) "They'd like that wouldn't they? Gives em' more time to plot their filthy little schemes while they're rubbing their dirty, grimy monkey paws together." (growls at them all and they all lean backwards with shocked looks)

Dr. Evil: "As for myself, I haven't rubbed my paws together for quite a long time, Mr. Powers."

Austin: "Show them the footage!" (A guard goes out and comes to the door with a roller carrying a tv and a vcr. The room is obviously filled and the roller won't fit in)

Guard: "Sir, I don't think this will fit."

Austin: "Oh, comon, man!"

Scott: "That's not going to fit."

Austin: "You be quiet, you criminal!"

Guard: (The guard tries a few things but only manages to get the roller a foot inside the door) "Look, I really can't do this with you sitting here."

Austin. "All right, man, I'll scoot." (Austin moves his chair overto the wall which is only a few feet away)

Guard: (The roller still won't fit in the door because of the angle of the door and the metal table inside the room) "Uh, this won't fit in there."

Austin: "All right, put it back in the hall! Play it there."

Guard: (The guard takes it out to the hall and plays the video outside the doorway)

Frau: "I can't see half the screen."

Dr. Evil: "I can't see any of it!"

Scott: "I'll summarize for you, let's see, there's your ugly ass. There's some gold, a few people, there's Frau."

Dr. Evil: "What!" (goes over Frau and leans into Number 2's lap) (Number 2 leans back and Frau tries to see over Dr. Evil)

Frau: "I CAN'T SEE! I can't see!"

Dr. Evil: "I'll move up for you!" (Dr. Evil moves over Frau putting his knees in Number 2's lap and his hands in Scott's)

Scott: (Scott gets up but can't get out so he gets tightly pinned to the wall) "Get off me!"

Frau: "I want to see!" (Frau goes over the top of Dr. Evil to see the tape) (Frau is making Dr. Evil lose his balance, making his head bob forwards and backwards)

Dr. Evil: "Sorry, daddy's trying to watch!" (Dr. Evil turns his head towards Scott putting his head right in line with Scott's crotch)

Outside, Basil is walking past and looks at the back window of the room. From outside it appears as if Dr. Evil is giving Scott a b.j. and Frau is on top of Dr. Evil, riding him. Sounds can be heard from inside the room.

Frau: "I WANT TO SEE! I CAN'T SEE IT!"

Scott: "GET THE HELL OF ME, YOU CIRCUS FREAK!"

Dr.Evil: "Scott, daddy has to do this!"

Number 2: "Can't you all just sit down and let me describe what it looks like?"

Basil: (to himself) "Oh my god, what's going on in there!"


	5. Chapter 5: Scott Goes On The Inside

_I'm sorry I'm late with the next chapter, but I've been away for awhile. Here we go...I hope you like it!_

Austin, Basil, Dr. Evil and the rest of Dr. Evil's posse sit in a much more comfortable area of the British Intelligence Technology Chicago Headquarters or B.I.T.C.H for short. Members of B.I.T.C.H. are considered B.I.T.C.Hs. . They all sit in comfy and brightly colored chairs. The rest of the agency matches the chairs in appearance. Scott is playing a GameBoy and not really listening.

Austin: "So, you've been at your Starbucks for the past two months and you have documented evidence?"

Dr. Evil: (Dr. Evil and Frau exchange glances) "Well, I have been caught in several...unwanted situations by members of our established chicago police force from time to time."

Scott: (Doesn't look up from gameboy)"He means he has 129 charges of public nudity."

Dr. Evil: "Scott, didn't you see daddy was talking?"

Scott: (Still focused on the gameboy) "No, but I saw you in the men's restroom twenty minutes ago with Frau."

Frau: (Frau titters)

Dr. Evil: (Dr. Evil looks around, clearly angry)

Number Two: "Well, someone is obviously framing Dr. Evil."

Dr. Evil: "Isn't there something you B.I.T.C.Hs can do?"

Austin: "I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

Basil:(whispering) "New agency, Austin, new agency."

Austin: "OH! Right, right. Well, the Acting and Screen Section has been studying the tape, but those A.S.Ses haven't found anything."

Basil: "The Film Intense Cutting and Knowledgeable Erasing Regiment has been working day and night as well, but not a single F.U.C.K.E.R has found anything."

Number Two: "Perhaps, Dr. Evil might be allowed to try to find these criminals, as well?"

Basil: "I'm afraid because of Dr. Evil's previous history, he isn't allowed to enter the secure areas of the B.I.T.C.H. ."

Dr. Evil: "It's not like I'm going to mess anything up inside the B.I.T.C.H. ."

Basil: "I'm sorry, the B.I.T.C.H. won't allow it."

Dr. Evil: "Could I have someone else go inside the B.I.T.C.H?"

Basil: "Perhaps. If they have no previous criminal history."

Dr. Evil: "Oh, shit. Wait, I don't believe Scotty does."

Scott: (finally looks up from his gameboy) "What?"

Basil: "I believe he doesn't have one. It should be all right."

Scott: "What are you guys talking about?"

Dr. Evil: (turns to look at Scott) "Scott, would you like to go inside the B.I.T.C.H. for Daddy?"

Scott: (points at a nearby lady) "You mean her? Eh...I guess. I think she might have crabs, though. She keeps itching her downstairs." (looks back at gameboy)

Dr. Evil: (quite shocked) "The British Intelligence Technology Chicago Headquarters! Would you like to go into The British Intelligence Technology Chicago Headquarters to get your daddy information!"

Scott: (still into gameboy) "Oh. Whatever."


End file.
